Reviewers can be so cruel

I was bored a few mornings ago, so I made up a nasty review quote about myself.

Moments later, I had half a dozen – they’re much more fun to write than real fiction. I began Tweeting the un-blurbs and the comments came thick and fast. I did apologise the following day to all who’d thought the quotes were genuine.

Here they are collected in a single post:

Un-blurbs

“Reading D’Lacey’s prose is like being hauled naked over a field of rotting Stilton cheese. You’ll never get the stink off.”

“Once in a while a writer comes along and takes your breath away with poignant imagery, sublime language and an unforgettable story. Joseph D’Lacey will never be that kind of writer.”

“I’d heard a lot of rumours about Joseph D’Lacey’s work, so when I received one of his novels for review I was quietly excited. I needn’t have been; the book was a steaming pile of diseased excrement deposited casually upon the altar of bad taste.”

“I’ve met Joseph D’Lacey and he’s a really nice guy. I really wanted to like the book he sent me, too, but the truth is, the world would be a better place if he’d trained as a plumber.”

“Poorly executed sentences; weak description; characters I mistook for windows and a story worthy of a dyslexic five-year-old.”

“D’Lacey’s disregard for the Queen’s English is matched only by his ill-considered, preposterous ideas.”

“I’ve read many self-published e-books by writers for whom English is a second language. D’Lacey’s ‘novels’ don’t come close.”

“How Joseph D’Lacey ever got into print remains one of Earth’s great mysteries.”

“I’ve been a book blogger for ten years and I receive up to twenty books a month for review. I know for a fact that I’ve read over 1,500 novels. This ‘book’ by Joseph D’Lacey was the worst of the lot.”

“When the recently dead consider themselves authors, you know Zombie Culture has gone too far. Joseph D’Lacey is The Writing Dead. Don’t read his books; shoot him in the head.”

And the most  obvious…

“Joseph D’Lacey sucks!”